An Almost-Quarter Life Crisis & A Husband Who Can Scare Fears Away

June 18, 2014

Almost at the halfway mark in my 24th year, I think I can say that I have experienced a quarter life crisis. I take that back, I definitely did. Last week was a hard one for me in numerous ways. And what felt like a bag full of emotions that came out of nowhere, was really emotions just resurfacing from prior months. I thought husband and I had secured our immediate future, tucked that away, and checked it off of our to-do list. Husband was going to take on and complete graduate school, I was prepping for the beginning of my first full-time/adult job, we were starting the house hunt and had even put in two offers, babies were being planned into our next few years, etc. We had prayed long and hard for direction in our life and where to take it for His glory; God had faithfully answered. Life was coming together and I felt peaceful in our ten-year plan.

So imagine my frenzy two Mondays ago when I began feeling the overwhelming pressure to make a move, change our directed course, to just do something. Husband would tell you that I was ready to pack all of our belongings, leave town, and begin again in a whole new place. He was willing to go, to drop graduate school, to help me pack, and run away from life at that very moment. My husband is a blessing and I know it. But, I'm not a risk taker like that; I need plans, solid plans full of detail. Yet, there I was panicking and willing to do just about anything to calm myself and to feel secure in our future.

Through open ears and patience, husband listened to all my fears, all my worries. He held my hand, rubbed my back, and tried to calm me through tears that I just couldn't stop. He listened to my love/hate relationship of the area we are currently in. An area I have lived my entire life and has always been home. An area I am so comfortable in, but is also suffocating. An area that if I never leave will cause regret later in my life. An area that I love, while also wanting to distance myself from. It's a battle in my heart and in my head. A battle I'm fortunate to have husband's support in.

He continued to soothe me as I talked about my career goals, the biggest of which is being a mom one day. I'm not kidding when I say I have baby fever; my biggest aspiration is to be a mother and an exceptional one at that. What felt like time slipping through my fingers and my age exponentially increasing, caused fear to rise, starting in the deepest part of my stomach. I was completely overcome with thinking that we were going to be starting a family too late in life, we were waiting too long. I was irrational to say the least, but in that moment it sure didn't feel like it. Luckily, my level-headed and sweet husband talked me through our next several years and what that could look like in different scenarios. Babies will come when the timing is just right, when God decides so. And I'm okay with that; deep down I know that now is not that time. It will come.

Then there was the tug of heart strings in leaving family, friends, our church, our community to one day go somewhere else. How could we?! But, how could we not?! With every new conclusion I was ruining a previous conclusion. My mind was reeling, my tears just kept streaming, and I felt like I was racing time, time that was progressing at the speed of light and I couldn't possibly keep up with. Sounds exhausting, right? Because it was.

I woke the next day to more fears, to an unsettled heart. Then I met husband a bit before noon. We talked and talked, and came up with a plan. A plan that feels right. While I don't feel like it's the right time to share those plans in this space, just know I'm finding peace in our next several years and how that is currently looking for us. God has a lot of work to do on my little heart and I'm ready for it. I'm praying mostly for patience, for the ability to be happy in the here and now, to leave the future to Him. Pete and I have a lifetime ahead of us and it will all come together.

Phew, I hope I didn't' overwhelm you with this post. This morning I suddenly felt ready to put my feelings into words and to share it. And it feels good to get it off of my chest. Thanks for listening (well, reading)!

[photo found on Pinterest]