A Letter To Bean - On Your Due Date

October 3, 2015

This is a post I was initially uncertain about posting. Not because I'm fearful of sharing my heart, but because I wasn't sure it was necessary. But, over the last couple of weeks, I've felt more and more pulled to share a very personal and special part of my heart, the place I keep for our first baby. To write down how I'm feeling as this anniversary of sorts comes and goes. So I'm pressing publish on as a way to celebrate and commemorate our first babe's life, sharing how extraordinary it was for husband and I. 


Today is your due date. You may have come early, maybe late, or maybe right on time. Either way you would have been my fall baby, and that felt like perfection, because this mama of yours is quite smitten with that season. At the start of this year when we found our you were on the way, I constantly imagined a tiny pumpkin of our own, dressed in the sweetest Halloween button-up, snuggled up on my chest as the days got chillier. It was the coziest and best feeling, dreaming of that sweet time with you. Even though those dreams won't be my reality here on Earth, I hope you know how fondly I still think of those moments dreaming of you and me.

Today I'm thinking about you a lot. Thinking about what it must be like for you to be with Jesus. About the first time I will meet you face to face. And about who you are. Mostly, I'm thinking about how much I love you, sweet little one, and what a significant impact you have had on my life.

Today makes seven months and a day since your daddy and I were handed heartbreaking news. In one single moment of silence during an ultrasound, our entire world as we knew it and were planning for changed. How suddenly that swift change occurred. Our dreams for you were dashed, our ideas of parenthood shattered, and the feeling of losing you, overwhelming. We couldn't have planned for a moment like that. My grief was instant and my anger toward God was quickly followed. It's true, I was very mad at the Lord for taking you away. But, do you know that He made his presence known immediately? He knew my heart, He knew I needed Him to make Himself known, He knew and He took care of me. And I know He's taking better care of you than I could ever imagine. Even in my anguish, I was gifted the most incredible kind of peace in knowing that He had you and His sovereignty over your life and mine was and is good

Today and since you've been gone, God has and is working so evidently in my life, making me stronger in myself and in my walk with Him. He gave me perspective on miscarriage, something I never expected to experience, and that helps me share your story with others who have gone through the same thing. I hope it helps those mamas like it helps me. Do you know what else? God sent your daddy and I the biggest surprise a little over a month after you went to heaven; you have a little sister due to arrive right after Christmas! Expecting her has brought such joy to our lives. And we remember you with so much love as our love for her grows.

Today and always you will be my first baby, and in my heart you'll forever be. I look forward to meeting you one day, little one!

I'll love you forever and a day,
your Mama